j o u r n a l
🌙 is there another life? shall i awake and find all this a dream? we cannot be created for this sort of suffering.

🌿 August 2026

🌧️ 14 august || 🎨🧺 Laundry continues; have to have everything prepped for mom and T. Continued lining up angular gerdany to weave for November and a couple of goth ones for me, though I'll be starting with the deer silyanka. Registration for my bead course opened today, so I also need to work on an official artist page for T and me. Really weird to be a craft instructor and to have sold my work now honestly. This is the most academic work has been sidelined in my life. Laila's been begging for lap time recently, but I think it's too warm still.
☁️️ 13 august || 🎨🧺 Laundry day; I need to get the bedding washed. Began working on collecting designs to make some angular gerdany. Mostly florals, since Americans don't like geometrics much. I guess I got burned out halfway through and started doubting myself though. I usually decide on one pattern at a time then execute, but now I'm trying to do quite a bit at once because of time crunch. Ended up calling T for a while, got more information on the aesthetics of those shops. I never really know what other people like; my style is so gaudy and dark.
☀️ 9 august || 📓🪡 Got started on the new moth silyanka! Going well so far. Did some reading into fitness watches. There's a webpage I've slowly been reading through about the blood pooling, and it suggested tracking my heart rate to improve the symptoms. Having a longer term reason to get one makes me more willing to order, and I found a used one in good condition, waiting on it now. Resumed studying BCS. I recognize so many words; I feel the urge to make a document listing out the words in my various languages so I can keep track of the differences.
☀️ 8 august || 🪡🧺 Laundry day. Forgot to study BCS. Found out about maybe the most disgusting symptom of POTS: abdominal blood pooling. It answered some of my recurring questions about my symptoms, which is good, but it's still gross. Anyway, I found some compression leggings in Sweden on sale so hopefully those help. Worked on my moth silyanka a bit, but I ended up not liking how it was coming together and took it apart. I've changed the pattern and will try again tomorrow. Also messaged L today, but he's not been answering recently.
☀️ 7 august || 🪡📓 Some embroidery for T's vyshyvanka, some weaving for the moth silyanka. I've started studying BCS since we'll be visiting the region for a while, but it seems my notebook is a magnet for the cats. Otherwise it's been an easy study so far; I'm recognizing quite a bit. Also looked a bit into clinics in Est to see if I can go there for hEDS treatment, learned how to identify shoulder subluxations, etc. I need to work on a crafting schedule though, so I can send things off to shops in November, and I should find a better way to organize my patterns.
💨 6 august || 🪡💻 The past month has just been a lot. T's visit is already over. We went to Helsinki Pride, Tallinn, Maardu, and Viru Bog in late June. And we visited the craft museum in Jyväskylä. But I had to go in for emergency surgery and recovery right after that. It ate up all of July. It offset my fieldwork in southern Estonia and pushed back my moving date. It triggered my POTS and hEDS and medical trauma unbelievably. It's a lot to process when I've already been trying to digest the idea of having hEDS. It's been a hellish summer, like a fever dream. I'm trying to focus on crafting; having motivation for life otherwise is surreal, not there.

🪻 June 2026
☁️ 23 june || 🛍️🚌 Preparation day for leaving overnight. Plan is to go to Tallinn to meet T and pick up some things, which means getting calming stuff for the cats. Also picked up my new residency card; 3 more years granted here! That's really nice to know I can stay here longterm with T if I want to. Tomorrow is tumultuous because T's flight got way delayed and they missed the next one, but it seems like they'll just arrive in the evening instead now, and that's not so bad. I'll take my laptop and get some work done, with the hopeful assumption that the cafes aren't full.
⛅ 22 june || 🧹🪡 Final push for cleaning before T gets here. Last of the laundry, sweeping, clearing the counter, etc. Got everything done quickly all considering, but I tend to do these things in one shot and I was so fatigued afterward. The blood pooling squicks me out when I become aware of it honestly. Otherwise, completed the lavender earrings! They came out really cute, and the length is perfect. And that completes my set of purple flower beaded jewelry! I also started on T's sapphic pair; omg it's so bright lol. Hopefully I get both pairs of those done by Pride.
☀️ 21 june || 🧺🪡 More of a cleaning day, laundry and whatnot. Still have more laundry and sweeping, need to pick up calming stuff for the cats. The 24th is so soon! The sun no longer sets, so it's hard to mark how much time I spent on anything today. Also updated and reorganized my heds symptom tracker for L and pestered him again, so hopefully I get an answer soon. The earrings also continue; I'm not used to working with 11/0s anymore and usually weave with them, so threading them takes a bit more work. Still trying to decide on the next silyanka to make.
☀️ 20 june || 🪡🎴 Today was better for crafting. I found a pattern for little lavender earrings that match the necklaces I made recently and started on them. Got two stems of them done so far! I'm also going to make sapphic versions for T and me. Did some Ukrainian grammar study, updated the genitives page. I always forget how much there is to its formation. And did a tarot spread, but the cards didn't like the spread I guess. Ended up resetting the reverse cards so the deck is refreshed for next time. Continuation of cleaning for when T gets here on the 24th.
⛅ 19 june || 📱 Not much progress for crafting today. I looked through a lot of patterns, but I've been indecisive. I like a lot of floral patterns, but there's really only so much you can do with that unless you're also transforming it at some point (like the anarchist rose silyanka). So I've been looking through geometric silyanky, and some are really neat; I'm just not sure how to revise their colors exactly. Not much else today; my wrists and knees have been hurting more than usual, but at least it wasn't a headache day.
⛅ 18 june || 📖 Purpose of this page is to start doing little daily journals again since I can't find my 5-year journal anymore lol. Finished off my woven purple flower silyanka today; I did the lace last night and then the clasps today. Considering how I want to approach matching earrings. Made the symptom tracker form + spreadsheet. Also thinking what else can be tracked on this site; Notion has been an inspiration for tarot spread tracking etc., but I want to do that over here instead. But I need to rebuild habits and maybe aesthetics will help.